So, for anyone out there who doesn't want all the nitty-gritty details, I suggest NOT reading this. This post is going to be long, detailed and very personal.
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That being said, I need to start from the beginning.....
That being said, I need to start from the beginning.....
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Last year, 2006, was a VERY difficult year for me. Sitting back, watching and hearing of more women pregnant. I had 3 super close friends, 6 relatives and a good 10 friends and other women from church that I knew, all pregnant. I think the hardest part was wondering, why not me? After having a miscarriage in early 2005 and almost a full 2 years of trying and nothing, I'd almost given up. Actually around early 2006 I did give up. I threw out the medication (that is supposed to work like magic), gave up praying, wishing and hoping. My attitude had changed to somewhat of "if it happens it happens, if not....well, I can adopt later on." I no longer pondered why me or when, just pretty much gave up.
Last year, 2006, was a VERY difficult year for me. Sitting back, watching and hearing of more women pregnant. I had 3 super close friends, 6 relatives and a good 10 friends and other women from church that I knew, all pregnant. I think the hardest part was wondering, why not me? After having a miscarriage in early 2005 and almost a full 2 years of trying and nothing, I'd almost given up. Actually around early 2006 I did give up. I threw out the medication (that is supposed to work like magic), gave up praying, wishing and hoping. My attitude had changed to somewhat of "if it happens it happens, if not....well, I can adopt later on." I no longer pondered why me or when, just pretty much gave up.
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I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle all these women pregnant and having babies and did think how fun it would be to be going through the whole 9 months pregnant with them, but that never happened. And as time went on I proceeded to amaze myself. I didn't feel one ounce of envy or jealousy, I truly was happy for them. What I did do was shower them with TONS of gifts and love. I think this was my way of channeling. It drove Victor mad (crazy), every time I brought something baby home for this or that person he told me I needed to not overload the person :).
I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle all these women pregnant and having babies and did think how fun it would be to be going through the whole 9 months pregnant with them, but that never happened. And as time went on I proceeded to amaze myself. I didn't feel one ounce of envy or jealousy, I truly was happy for them. What I did do was shower them with TONS of gifts and love. I think this was my way of channeling. It drove Victor mad (crazy), every time I brought something baby home for this or that person he told me I needed to not overload the person :).
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The summer of 2006 as all the babies were being born I enjoyed holding each one and spoiling them and their mamas. I met a close friend during this time and after a few months she boldly asked me why I hadn't had kids, I was great with hers? I might have been too harsh or mean but I said, just because I don't have them doesn't me I don't want them! By that time I was sick and tired of "curious" women who didn't realize how one question could cause so much pain. I think the hardest part was the women at church. I ended up being too harsh to anyone who asked, (1) that is a personal question and (2) they don't know the effect it has on the other person---I learned this through the pain of answering each of those women that I will never ask another one about when she plans on starting a family; because for all I know she is already trying and struggling.
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In late November, I started having thoughts of pregnancy. I seriously hadn't had a single thought in months. I felt like I was going to start my period. The only thing I had continued to do was document dates, which before trying to get pregnant I didn't document anything. I had a secret code in my computer calendar (just in case someone should look in it). I decided to look into the calendar to see when I should be starting my next period and was surprised to see that the date should have come already. Still, I did not take a single pregnancy test. I waited and waited and WAITED. I waited 10 days before I even took a test. I was so surprised how fast it turned positive! That was December 4th.
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The summer of 2006 as all the babies were being born I enjoyed holding each one and spoiling them and their mamas. I met a close friend during this time and after a few months she boldly asked me why I hadn't had kids, I was great with hers? I might have been too harsh or mean but I said, just because I don't have them doesn't me I don't want them! By that time I was sick and tired of "curious" women who didn't realize how one question could cause so much pain. I think the hardest part was the women at church. I ended up being too harsh to anyone who asked, (1) that is a personal question and (2) they don't know the effect it has on the other person---I learned this through the pain of answering each of those women that I will never ask another one about when she plans on starting a family; because for all I know she is already trying and struggling.
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In late November, I started having thoughts of pregnancy. I seriously hadn't had a single thought in months. I felt like I was going to start my period. The only thing I had continued to do was document dates, which before trying to get pregnant I didn't document anything. I had a secret code in my computer calendar (just in case someone should look in it). I decided to look into the calendar to see when I should be starting my next period and was surprised to see that the date should have come already. Still, I did not take a single pregnancy test. I waited and waited and WAITED. I waited 10 days before I even took a test. I was so surprised how fast it turned positive! That was December 4th.
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Our 3 anniversary was two days away and Victor had planned a get-away trip but wouldn't tell me where. I decided I would wait two more days to tell him. I went out and bought a little Christmas outfit (for Christmas 2007) and two bibs, one pink that said "I love Daddy" and one blue that said "I love daddy". As soon as the hotel door was shut I gave him his presents. The first was the outfit, which by the look on his face confused the heck out of him. The second box containing the bibs was even more puzzling until it clicked and he was very excited himself. I immediately told him I didn't want to tell many people and as weird as it was especially NOT our families. I was certain this pregnancy I wouldn't tell anyone until I was sure.
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I prayed to Heavenly Father that if I was meant to have this pregnancy then let the first doctor's appointment go well. Let us see a heartbeat and feel some comfort. Which at our appt. the doctor nearly hugged me as he had experienced my pain from before. He was delighted and kept saying, what a Christmas present!
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The weeks before we told our family was pretty painful--not telling them! Finally I decided I was about 10 weeks and decided to tell my parents and siblings at Christmas time, but still wanted to wait for everyone else.
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I had more then a few scares throughout this pregnancy but that could be because I was so nervous and scared something would happen like before. I honestly knew and still know I could not make it through the pain and heartbreak that I previously experienced. I am thankful to have made it through this whole process!
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Okay, so here's where the fun and details about Tanner making his grand entrance…
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Towards the end of the pregnancy I started to gain a lot of water weight. Pretty soon my feet, ankles and calves were all one piece and so rock hard, you’d have thought I was superwoman with tons of muscles. You seriously couldn’t push in and have it move much at all. My blood pressure was also on the rise. Dr. Gramann was watching me closely and making sure that I didn’t get pre-eclampsia.
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Towards the end of the pregnancy I started to gain a lot of water weight. Pretty soon my feet, ankles and calves were all one piece and so rock hard, you’d have thought I was superwoman with tons of muscles. You seriously couldn’t push in and have it move much at all. My blood pressure was also on the rise. Dr. Gramann was watching me closely and making sure that I didn’t get pre-eclampsia.
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On Monday August 6th (the date I thought was my Due Date, but Dr. Gramann thought my due date was the 12th) I went in for a regular weekly appointment. I had proteins in my urine which is another sign of pre-eclampsia. Dr. Gramann said that he isn’t for inductions but he doesn’t NOT do them if necessary and he would leave it up to me. I told him that I wanted it done; not because I had to have the baby right then but I wanted to feel good again. I didn’t want my feet and legs to throb, I wanted the numbness in my right hand and left shoulder to go away (caused by water retention pinching nerves). He said Okay and went to call the hospital and schedule it. Candice and I sat there and assumed it would be later in the week (Thursday or Friday) or the next week. Dr. Gramann came back and said, Tomorrow…
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I was instantly scared and struck dumb. I think I stumbled out with an “uhhhh okay.” I was told that I was “stand-by” which meant if there were other pregnant ladies in labor then I’d be bumped until the next day. As Candice and I drove home I started making a To-Do list for the rest of the day so that I could be ready for tomorrow.
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I finished my to-do list and went to bed. I actually slept better then the night before, I think knowing I was going in. I was supposed to call the hospital at 7 AM. I woke up at 5:30 and decided to call. The nurse told me that I wasn’t going to be able to come in, there wasn’t a nurse for me. It confused me at first, but now I understand. They have 1 nurse for the lady in delivery and 1 nurse for the women who have already had their babies and are still in the hospital. They had a lady in delivery and so I was bumped. AND BUMMED! I felt like crying the whole day and tried to be strong…
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I called Wednesday and was given the runaround by nurses and they told me they’d call me back within an hour. I got back in bed, this time deciding NOT to take a shower and get my hopes up. Within 2 minutes of being back in bed, my cell phone went off. It was the hospital nurse stating she had a lady in labor but she was going to deliver any minute and could I be in at 9AM. I said YES! I called Victor, who was at work, and told him to pick up his mom and get going! I got in the shower and quickly tried to get ready. In the process my mom and grandma and aunts kept calling and I was trying to hurry. I was ready within 3o minutes but where was Victor? He calls me at 7:45 saying he’s just now picking up his mom (I had talked to him an hour ago!). I tell him to hurry that if we aren’t there by 9 they might bump us again! He gets home and rushed to get ready, probably the fastest I’ve ever seen him get ready (and that is saying A LOT!)
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We checked into the hospital at 9 AM. After all the paperwork and questions the nurse hooked me up to pitocin. I was laying in the bed a nervous wreck and Victor and his mom are sitting in the corner talking, not intentionally ignoring me but they were ignoring me! I was getting irritated. By 10:30 Victor’s sister-in-law comes walking in with our nephew, Andrew, who’s 4. They proceed to talk and Andrew plays with obnoxiously loud toys, really irritated me now. All I wanted was peace and quiet. I texted messaged Victor hoping he would get it and asked him to have them leave the room for a little bit as I was getting anxious and nervous and needed quietness.
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My mom came in with Lexi and I was happy to see them. Lexi was very intrigued by the baby’s heartbeat monitor and kept getting big eyed and saying WOW. However, the hospital is not a place for a 2 year old and after about 10 minutes my mom left taking Lexi to my aunts house.
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Candice came in about 12:30 and sat and talked with me. I was fine then. I had someone to talk to and now I didn’t care that Victor hadn’t gotten the text message and hadn’t asked everyone to leave my room. My friend Doreen, was also supposed to be there to help me but she wasn’t able to come until later on in the day.
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Dr. Gramann arrived at 1PM to break my water. I asked everyone to leave, except Candice and Victor. I am a true baby and my poor doctor was asked the whole pregnancy, “are you done yet?” I told him that I think this would be the last time I asked that question, but I ended up asking it later in the day…
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After he broke my water I asked the nurse to not let anyone back in quite yet as I was pretty overwhelmed. I got up and went to the bathroom and started feeling stronger contractions almost immediately. After about 30 minutes two aunts came, I am not really sure who was first but they came about the same time…One aunt held my hand, while the other was telling me how far apart my contractions were. I pretty much closed my eyes, breathed (if I was told to J) and ignored the world. This worked for awhile and then the contractions were on top of each other, not really stopping. The nurse had mentioned possibly needed to turn down the pitocin but we would wait and see.
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I finally asked for an epidural. I am not sure what time that was. When the lady came to give me my epidural I ended up having one aunt stay along with Victor and Candice. Rebecca came and tried to administer my epidural but kept stopping during contractions. I never saw a needle or really felt anything, as the contractions were stronger. By the end of the process I was sobbing, not because of the needle but because of the pain, but I am somewhat of a quiet crier so I was sobbing into my aunts chest which I was using for a pillow.
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After the epidural kicked in I was better. I was happy and could talk to my husband and have him talk back without hating him. I slowly calmed down and relaxed. The nurse kept coming in and checking me and the day seemed like FOREVER, but really was flying by. I stayed dilated it a 7CM for probably 2 hours but then the next time I was checked I was ready to push.
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I was instantly scared and struck dumb. I think I stumbled out with an “uhhhh okay.” I was told that I was “stand-by” which meant if there were other pregnant ladies in labor then I’d be bumped until the next day. As Candice and I drove home I started making a To-Do list for the rest of the day so that I could be ready for tomorrow.
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I finished my to-do list and went to bed. I actually slept better then the night before, I think knowing I was going in. I was supposed to call the hospital at 7 AM. I woke up at 5:30 and decided to call. The nurse told me that I wasn’t going to be able to come in, there wasn’t a nurse for me. It confused me at first, but now I understand. They have 1 nurse for the lady in delivery and 1 nurse for the women who have already had their babies and are still in the hospital. They had a lady in delivery and so I was bumped. AND BUMMED! I felt like crying the whole day and tried to be strong…
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I called Wednesday and was given the runaround by nurses and they told me they’d call me back within an hour. I got back in bed, this time deciding NOT to take a shower and get my hopes up. Within 2 minutes of being back in bed, my cell phone went off. It was the hospital nurse stating she had a lady in labor but she was going to deliver any minute and could I be in at 9AM. I said YES! I called Victor, who was at work, and told him to pick up his mom and get going! I got in the shower and quickly tried to get ready. In the process my mom and grandma and aunts kept calling and I was trying to hurry. I was ready within 3o minutes but where was Victor? He calls me at 7:45 saying he’s just now picking up his mom (I had talked to him an hour ago!). I tell him to hurry that if we aren’t there by 9 they might bump us again! He gets home and rushed to get ready, probably the fastest I’ve ever seen him get ready (and that is saying A LOT!)
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We checked into the hospital at 9 AM. After all the paperwork and questions the nurse hooked me up to pitocin. I was laying in the bed a nervous wreck and Victor and his mom are sitting in the corner talking, not intentionally ignoring me but they were ignoring me! I was getting irritated. By 10:30 Victor’s sister-in-law comes walking in with our nephew, Andrew, who’s 4. They proceed to talk and Andrew plays with obnoxiously loud toys, really irritated me now. All I wanted was peace and quiet. I texted messaged Victor hoping he would get it and asked him to have them leave the room for a little bit as I was getting anxious and nervous and needed quietness.
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My mom came in with Lexi and I was happy to see them. Lexi was very intrigued by the baby’s heartbeat monitor and kept getting big eyed and saying WOW. However, the hospital is not a place for a 2 year old and after about 10 minutes my mom left taking Lexi to my aunts house.
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Candice came in about 12:30 and sat and talked with me. I was fine then. I had someone to talk to and now I didn’t care that Victor hadn’t gotten the text message and hadn’t asked everyone to leave my room. My friend Doreen, was also supposed to be there to help me but she wasn’t able to come until later on in the day.
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Dr. Gramann arrived at 1PM to break my water. I asked everyone to leave, except Candice and Victor. I am a true baby and my poor doctor was asked the whole pregnancy, “are you done yet?” I told him that I think this would be the last time I asked that question, but I ended up asking it later in the day…
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After he broke my water I asked the nurse to not let anyone back in quite yet as I was pretty overwhelmed. I got up and went to the bathroom and started feeling stronger contractions almost immediately. After about 30 minutes two aunts came, I am not really sure who was first but they came about the same time…One aunt held my hand, while the other was telling me how far apart my contractions were. I pretty much closed my eyes, breathed (if I was told to J) and ignored the world. This worked for awhile and then the contractions were on top of each other, not really stopping. The nurse had mentioned possibly needed to turn down the pitocin but we would wait and see.
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I finally asked for an epidural. I am not sure what time that was. When the lady came to give me my epidural I ended up having one aunt stay along with Victor and Candice. Rebecca came and tried to administer my epidural but kept stopping during contractions. I never saw a needle or really felt anything, as the contractions were stronger. By the end of the process I was sobbing, not because of the needle but because of the pain, but I am somewhat of a quiet crier so I was sobbing into my aunts chest which I was using for a pillow.
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After the epidural kicked in I was better. I was happy and could talk to my husband and have him talk back without hating him. I slowly calmed down and relaxed. The nurse kept coming in and checking me and the day seemed like FOREVER, but really was flying by. I stayed dilated it a 7CM for probably 2 hours but then the next time I was checked I was ready to push.
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I started pushing at 7PM. What I didn’t know is that the epidural was turned off and I started to feel pain. My pain was about a 1 out of 10 but I didn’t want it to go any further, as I was done feeling pain----or so I thought.
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A new man came into to give me a little more anesthetic (but I am now wondering what the heck he gave me). It didn’t really numb me and the epidural continued to wear off…
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I pushed and pushed and pushed. I told everyone that I was done and giving up. They laughed and told me I couldn’t. When it finally came time to push and they head was descending Dr. Gramann had me touch the babies head, not something I really was “into doing”. I still hadn’t screamed loud or anything. I was crying and felt like a big baby and that I was doing horrible but everyone kept telling me how wonderful I was doing…As I pushed someone (I think the doctor) told me to keep pushing and I could soon hold the baby. This was not a treat for me and I told them, “I don’t think I have any motherly instincts because I don’t want to hold him!” I just wanted him out!
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As the head started to crown, I started to scream. It was not a quiet scream either, my friends and family that were outside waiting heard me through 2 sets of closed doors and they could hear every word I was screaming…I told the doctor I couldn’t do it anymore. He told me very sternly to keep pushing and I was doing fine. He got up and went to get “tools” which I figured were forceps or something. I was so against anything being used (or the thought of it) during my pregnancy I was sure I would have said something but in that moment at that time, I didn’t care what had to be done just get it over with. He dropped his tools and had to go to get more, but never got a chance. Tanner’s head had crowned and it was time for the doctor to be there for everything. What they call “the ring of fire” really does burn and is the most pain I’d ever been in. I felt every bit of the delivery. After the head finally came out (which he did have a cone head) the rest kind of came out and was a blur.
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I can remember feeling the cord and the afterbirth coming out after Tanner. I have a picture that was taken were I am holding the baby but have a screwed up face, it was at that time that the rest was coming out and my body was still contracting. After he was cleaned up, they placed him on me. I got to hold him for the next 2 hours. Dr. Gramann spent about 10 minutes giving me 3 stitches, he said enough to carve in his initials. After I was cleaned up and stitched up we started letting people in and the rest of the night was a blur.
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After everyone left I asked if I could go to the bathroom and the nurse told me no because I was still numb. I told her I wasn’t and lifted and dangled my leg. She said that even though I could move I was still probably numb but that she would help me to the bathroom. She was surprised that I really wasn’t numb! So, I can say that I had an epidural BUT by the time I had the baby I was not numb and had a natural birth, right?!
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Since the delivery I have really had it easy. I was able to get up and move pretty easily. The next day I took a shower and did my makeup a little bit and even did my hair. We gave Tanner his first bath the second day.
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I am still surprised I am a mom! Victor and I are adjusting pretty easily. Victor finally, after 11 days, has changed about 3 diapers and fed the baby a couple bottles and attempted burping the baby. I told my Grandma a couple days ago that he had never fed, burped, dressed or changed a diaper and he told me he had! I was confused and asked him when?!? Apparently, he thought by standing next to me watching me do everything he was…helping! HA! Since then he’s done the real thing and is getting better with each attempt.
I started pushing at 7PM. What I didn’t know is that the epidural was turned off and I started to feel pain. My pain was about a 1 out of 10 but I didn’t want it to go any further, as I was done feeling pain----or so I thought.
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A new man came into to give me a little more anesthetic (but I am now wondering what the heck he gave me). It didn’t really numb me and the epidural continued to wear off…
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I pushed and pushed and pushed. I told everyone that I was done and giving up. They laughed and told me I couldn’t. When it finally came time to push and they head was descending Dr. Gramann had me touch the babies head, not something I really was “into doing”. I still hadn’t screamed loud or anything. I was crying and felt like a big baby and that I was doing horrible but everyone kept telling me how wonderful I was doing…As I pushed someone (I think the doctor) told me to keep pushing and I could soon hold the baby. This was not a treat for me and I told them, “I don’t think I have any motherly instincts because I don’t want to hold him!” I just wanted him out!
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As the head started to crown, I started to scream. It was not a quiet scream either, my friends and family that were outside waiting heard me through 2 sets of closed doors and they could hear every word I was screaming…I told the doctor I couldn’t do it anymore. He told me very sternly to keep pushing and I was doing fine. He got up and went to get “tools” which I figured were forceps or something. I was so against anything being used (or the thought of it) during my pregnancy I was sure I would have said something but in that moment at that time, I didn’t care what had to be done just get it over with. He dropped his tools and had to go to get more, but never got a chance. Tanner’s head had crowned and it was time for the doctor to be there for everything. What they call “the ring of fire” really does burn and is the most pain I’d ever been in. I felt every bit of the delivery. After the head finally came out (which he did have a cone head) the rest kind of came out and was a blur.
~
I can remember feeling the cord and the afterbirth coming out after Tanner. I have a picture that was taken were I am holding the baby but have a screwed up face, it was at that time that the rest was coming out and my body was still contracting. After he was cleaned up, they placed him on me. I got to hold him for the next 2 hours. Dr. Gramann spent about 10 minutes giving me 3 stitches, he said enough to carve in his initials. After I was cleaned up and stitched up we started letting people in and the rest of the night was a blur.
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After everyone left I asked if I could go to the bathroom and the nurse told me no because I was still numb. I told her I wasn’t and lifted and dangled my leg. She said that even though I could move I was still probably numb but that she would help me to the bathroom. She was surprised that I really wasn’t numb! So, I can say that I had an epidural BUT by the time I had the baby I was not numb and had a natural birth, right?!
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Since the delivery I have really had it easy. I was able to get up and move pretty easily. The next day I took a shower and did my makeup a little bit and even did my hair. We gave Tanner his first bath the second day.
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I am still surprised I am a mom! Victor and I are adjusting pretty easily. Victor finally, after 11 days, has changed about 3 diapers and fed the baby a couple bottles and attempted burping the baby. I told my Grandma a couple days ago that he had never fed, burped, dressed or changed a diaper and he told me he had! I was confused and asked him when?!? Apparently, he thought by standing next to me watching me do everything he was…helping! HA! Since then he’s done the real thing and is getting better with each attempt.
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